Standing at the brink
As I have walked through this journey, I have always used the excuse of "I'm not ready to be a Christian." CS Lewis pointed out, you can't be Christ-like unless you give yourself to Christ. All you have to do is accept Him into your heart and He will help you cleans yourself and become more like Him. I have resisted for a while now, thinking I wasn't ready to accept Him, I wasn't good enough. I think back now that maybe that's why it hurt. I felt worthless.
That's not something I can hold onto, resisting moving forward, any more. I have to make the step. So why is it so hard? Why does it take everything in me to do it? I have used a few analogies to explain it. A hanglider knows that the hangliding wings will hold him, he just has to jump. One that stuck out to me recently was when I was standing at the top of a new and steeper mountain in Copper, Colorado. I knew that I could ski it. I knew that I would make it down no matter what, even if it was on my butt. Yet for a fraction I was looking down and asking "Do I really want to do this?" But I had come so far that I had to. That is where I am now. I know who He is, I know what I have to do.
The best analogy though is this: A child knows that a parent will always help them, but yet they are afraid to ask their parents for help. I know that the Lord is there, I know that He loves me. So why can't I give everything to Him? I think it comes down to something I still have yet to grasp. Humility. I have to relinquish the idea that I am everything; He is everything. It's not about me, it's about Him. Before I began this, I had never thought I was self-centered. I was wrong.
What scares me is that the longer I fight this, the more likely He will take away things that make me erroneously happy. I know that is not what He is about, but it makes sense. Things shouldn't make me happy, He should. Yet, if I didn't have such a great job, or family and friends, maybe I wouldn't be fighting it so much? I would just let go and accept Him. I think that is why the bible says it is easier for a poor man to go to heaven than a rich man.
I have to say that since I have begun this journey, He has blessed me with so much happiness. Everyday I feel as though I inch toward His warmth and glory. At first it was very hurtful and scary. It's not anymore. Well maybe it is scary somehow. I think that I am taking it all too inward. But that is me. I think about things too much. However, I will not just say, "Ok, I have done it" when I have not. When I do let go, it will not be on a whim.