A Turning Point

(Originally this was part of a "What's been going on" update on Feb 27th. But it became so long, that I pulled it out and began to consider if I wanted to put this up at all. Well I added a little more rambling and I'm putting it here share with my family and friends something incredible. I am not ashamed of my struggle anymore, I was at first. I was scared to tell anyone what I was doing, but in retrospect, that was the worst thing to think and do.)

After the Feb 20th post, I received an incredible response from my friends and family. Most didn't even know I was going to church, much less starting a spiritual journey. The support, thoughts, and caring from everyone was amazing. :) Even people that don't believe in Christ, or the Christian Faith have urged me to continue. Thank you all so much, it has really lifted me up!

For a while now I have been really confused as to why I had a heavy heart sometimes when I went to church, why it felt like it hurt... Everything I read and understood said it was supposed to lift me up and make me feel loved, and I felt that sometimes. However, no where did anything explain the pain? It really confused me, and even with all the love and support I have gotten, no one had an answer. Finally, I was looking for CS Lewis' book "Case for Christ" (which is out of print and very hard to find!), and a friend lent me CS Lewis' "Mere Christianity" instead. Early on Lewis started hitting on some things that made complete sense!

One of the quotes that sums it up best:

"Of course, I quite agree that the Christian religion is, in the long run, a thing of unspeakable comfort. But it does not begin in comfort; it begins in the dismay I have been describing, and it is no use at all trying to go on to that comfort without first going through that dismay. In religion, as in war and everything else, comfort is the one thing you will not get by looking for it."

Lewis starts to hit some ideals and morals that I always thought I followed. As I read I realized that what was really bothering me, what hurt, was the self examination. I began to realize that I had flaws I had hid from my friends, my family and denied to myself. Yes I did and do still consider myself a good person with a good heart. That doesn't mean I don't have failings. Christ knows your failings even if you don't admit them to yourself. So in order to really open up to Him, I have to face them and can't rationalize them. One particular failing has been hard for me to face. Very hard. I am starting to gain the humility I never had.

The fact that I am starting to understand where this is all coming from, doesn't make it easier to correct my flaws or give me the strength to fully commit to be a Christian. It is hard to admit that I can have many doubts on any given day. Some days I feel strong about praying and some days I feel silly praying, or doubt that He hears me. Some days it all feels so right, and others, I don't even think I believe in Him. I think that will change when I am able to open up to Him without hesitation.

I want to say "I trully believe", but I am not a hypocrite or a liar, and will not say those words until they are true. At first I was afraid that someone from my church would be upset with me because I felt this way, but everyone has been really supportive and great to talk to when I have questions. They know that I am not yet a Christian per say, but that I am seeking answers. That support has been pivotal to my ability to continue through this.

Another thing that keeps me going is that since I started this journey, a sort of cloud has slowly lifted from over me. It sounds silly, but work, fun, and decisions about my life have all started to become lighter. Answers seem to be falling right into my lap.

I always thought that I had it made. I had always thought I was blessed with a good job, good looks, good family, good friends, girlfriends when I wanted them (sometimes when I didn't!), and pretty much had everything I wanted. - I didn't. - I was always searching for something else. That something that I was searching for? Well, even though I haven't solved the puzzle, somehow I know I am close to finding what I have been searching for.